Jokes and one-liners to work with
Could we take a social dysfunction reading in this room?
I'll be in the
Even if that is true
(fast) It is
Even if that is true ..
(fast) It is
It's your mother
I would not open the bashing-mother door right now
I'll be in the kitchen eating the free food
Do you really want an honest answer?
Will it hurt?
It'll hurt.
No. I don't want an honest answer.
What is it about her straps, bondage jewellery etc.
What's about to drop or fall off her?
Right now there is only one way - our way or the highway
END of SCENES
(A & B arguing or discussing)
C enters
What are you two doing
Planning
Not any more you're not.
your lips should be sealed
So
This is a leap-sealing situation. It is now the time for sealing your lips
There are doors between worlds.
What?
Between worlds - there are doors ……..
Just saying it in a different order doesn't help!
====================
(Argument about plants)
You are geography / botany obsessive.
=======================
Do you need special training to do a researcher's job or could any vacuum
cleaner do it?
allergies
It's a felonious assault or felonious with no salt.
If you want me I'll be out back. I'm the one with the gun in my mouth.
======================
Guess where I've been?
I dunno. But I hope it involves drink and a dare.
=======================
I often find my sexual appeal is more an anchor than a sail.
=======================
Come with me - good times always manage to find me.
=======================
(of computer)
(Sniff) Does his bag need changing?
=======================
This is an atrocity..
No, it's a reverse Jefferson move (Clinton)
======================
Who needs Sushi when there's tuna?
======================
To sit next to me all the journey to X?
There's not a vomit bag big enough.
(annoying driver)
If I'm too chatty, just tell me to shut up.
Sex in the universe city (TV programme)
It's a slider! (beast - vampire)
Remember - there's no lifebelts on this space ship.
=====================
Suicide - running joke
Dentists are most prone to suicide. Statistics don't lie.
What? Do you think I'm suicidal?
Well, you are a dentist.
====================
They always out mayonnaise in burgers
====================
Are you in cahoots with him?
Cahoots?
you know .. Cahooting with him.
Well … you see … I had to do a bit of cahooting with him.
=====================
Who told you that? Why do you clutter your mind with the inconsequential?
(threatening)
You are a rotten ..tt (rodent)
(Seductress) I love a man with manners.
Why be formal with the woman you're about to widow?
I'm crazy, I'm chemically imbalanced, I'm wacko!
what do you want?
What do I want? I just want all this to end.
What would you say to a drink?
I'd say no ice, no lemon, and a tall glass.
========================
We'd all have to sign for the money together.
three signatures
or 2 signatures and a death certificate.
======================
(ring)
(scared) Phone!
(ring)
Phone scared me.
(ring)
There it is again!
(scared)
Do you know what I am going to do?
I'm going to ..
I'm going to ..
I'm going to ..
I'm going to go.
The spaceship's waiting, and I'm not.
Explain to me how any of this is your business.
Gives a new meaning to need a lot of space.
You scratch my surface and I'll scratch yours.
I'll need a quick run down.
And nobody runs it down better than you.
Working like a dream!
Like a bad dream!
That would make me the most hated man in XXX
There's a lot of competition.
So here are my closing thoughts (as Jerry Springer)
I'm at the police station - we were just larking around. But they're calling it shop-lifting.
Names to joke about:
Noël Edmonds, Eamonn Holmes
You are not letting go - you are still grabbing on to it.
Yes - I will get a heritage order slammed on you right away.
(answering phone - trying to avoid this call) Yea - I'm in the car -
and it's a bit difficult to talk.
:: (angry) You don't need to talk - just listen to me!
(to end phone conversation) I'm going into a tunnel - goodbye!!
So I got sent on a fool's errand?
Yes - I can see I picked the right person for the job.
(angry - about to phone up and confront)
(trying to calm other down) Before you phone - let's go through the arguments
together.
He has a lot of aggression coursing through his veins -
And vodka
(star - or wannabe)
I am quite famous.
Yea - grant you that. But you are not famous enough to get out of jury
service. You are not famous enough to open a supermarket? You are not famous
enough to be photographed face down on a pavement at three in the morning
-
Enough!
You're separated, aren't you?
You're separated, aren't you?
Yes, by a million miles.
The only day I want to receive anonymous letters is Valentine's Day.
Canterbury - open 24 hours a day - if you don't include the shops.
Don't men have cellulite?
Let's go and shaft them.
A drink first.
A sharp mind requires lubrication before shafting
I am about to ___ and ____ in one fluid movement.
If you ___, I will have a fluid movement.
And I want to win the Lottery, but it still doesn't mean that I -
She suffers from spells
I can't talk (interior design). It makes me feel wrong inside and worried.
Have you been gargling with bong water?
What's left for me? Blokes who either look like Russell Grant or Blakey from One the Buses.
Do you love him?
Do I love him? Yes? No? Do I?
Don't do a musical number on me. Do you love him or not?
I'm 40! And not getting any younger. And that sentence sounded like
I'm a 20 year old to me.
You get out there - get in his ear and find out.
I can't say (about lover)
We had a fight at the house. That's the long version.
And what's the short version?
We had a fight at home. That's it.
That's my life. I've written my own version of No Sex In The City.
That blouse hurts like a hangover.
Narcolepsy and insomnia
But -
But-
But what?
To be honest, that's all I had - but!!
We are not calling Aunty Lilian.
Why? Have you something hide from her?
Yes - my address and if she can still drive.
I think it's time to wash out your mouth with cheap vodka
I don't want to poo-poo your …. But - pooh! pooh!
There are more headhunters in this place than Borneo
I know what sort of vampire you are - an obscure one.
I told her that her brain should be admitted to the local mortuary for observation.
Here we are on the beach where butch men have gathered from all over their girlfriends.
(Radio)
If you are listening to this in 2004, well this is the present. If you
are listening to this in 3004, it's the future. And if you are listening
in 1604, well, our advice is, 'hide the box that speaks'.
And so I went to the place where you go to when you have taken all your drugs - the pub.
SOME USEFUL ITEMS GATHERED TOGETHER HERE
Do you need special training to do a researcher's job or could any vacuum
cleaner do it?
Come with me - good times always manage to find me.
The spaceship's waiting, and I'm not.
You scratch my surface and I'll scratch yours.
I know what sort of vampire you are - an obscure one.
MYRON: So what did you say to her Royalness? She left very suddenly!
JED ROCKS: Well she enquired what the use a degree in space rocks was?
And I gave her retro-regal-chick ensemble the once up and down, and I leaned
in, and murmured: 'Have you got bad credit or is that just bad taste?'
(OTHERS GIGGLING AND SHOCKED)
JED ROCKS: (calling and getting them along with him to a new adventure)
Come with me - good times always manage to find me! There's a spaceship
waiting over there, and I'm not!
(THEY ALL RUN OFF IN DELIGHT TO THE SPACE SHIP. SPACE SHIP TAKING OFF.)
What is this over-stuffed bigness - this chair is where foam goes to die.
(drunk conversation)
[win lottery - what we do]
and then we could go to Bali or Tahiti
We could buy Bali or Tahiti
Yea - or any of those islands ending in 'i'
OK - I've heard enough - by the power invested in me as the best friend of XXX, I now order you to hand over your phone.
She's an emotional rubber necker - has to be in on the crash of an imploding relationship at the moment of impact - or is it destruct.
I'll send her a heart drawn on my organiser - (received on fax upside
down & bad friend interprets as obscene)
it's obscene any way you look at it.
Shooting food - job is food stylist
food should always look its best, no matter who is looking at it
last touch - hair fixative
well - you didn't want to eat this stuff?
I don't have time - the cheese is melting, the pepperoni is starting to
curl
a little more texture I think (hair lacquer hiss - leading to cough)
shampoo - with cereal? - looks like the real thing, shines like the real
thing
(end of scene)
Job done?
(things have gone wrong from the job set up at the beginning of the scene)
Not quite
perhaps you should write her a love letter - it's like texting only you spell correctly
I know how to give complete criminal (using crim slang - mock)
I'm the queen of the clues come-on
(end of a row) Can you feel the love in the room?
I am ready for 'Legally Blonde 3'
my inspirational wardrobe
So I forgot. So report me to Amnesiacs Anonymous.
She was the first to plant her flag on Planet Frasier
I'm beginning to wonder whether Napoleon had a Frasier complex
That's Cashmere with a K.
(end of Scene) I've brought some anti-depressants.
(start of next scene) Mmmm
That's the best of these anti-depressants - the chocolate in the cake and
the XXX in the icecream -
That's the XXX (chemical) caffeine
Next time we'll have to hit the decaffeinated chocolate cake.
Where did you learn to do that?
It's my life's duty, the pursuit of my existence.
Betrayal -
Lips don't count -
Would you care to go further
Sorry, it's a reflex. I'm allergic to compliments.
This is going to be one of those mistakes. One of those mistakes that
you can never take back.
Are there any other kinds?
It's a good thing. But it's a good thing that feels completely awful.
Sometimes I see something and I just have to have it, take it, take all its clothes off. And I only have to have it twice.
is dumping guys like a female right of passage?
Why?
::all I have left is instinct
(end of scene - seduction)
do you have to work tomorrow
I can be late
What are you doing? You look like that guy on the Cambridge (main street) who tried to sell me his toothbrush.
Too late - the Mother Ship has landed (arrival of annoying person) - character name
If you were any more delicious, I'd have to spread you on my cracker right here.
Can I take you to my therapist? Because he thinks I am making you up.
Who took the jam out of your donut?
You can't fall further than the floor.
==============
You must have sneezed - because God blessed you.
==============
I'm going to eat until I get fat. and I mean Marlon Brando fat.
==============
Fight or flight - these people did both at the same time.
==============
Stabbers usually cut themselves in the act.
==============
Hey! Where's the respect?
==============
:: … Captain.
:: I'm a General.
:: You won't be if this goes wrong.
==============
From victim to victory.
==============
Let's say he needs a few screws tightening before he gets let out in public
again.
==============
SWEAR WORDS
Keep it chopped out.
Sensamilla!
Keep it dusty!
Well plastic!
Got to zappuchinno
I just worshipped -
You and everybody else. Herself included.
He chewed my ear to a stump.
:: While she freshens up.
:: Please! That woman hasn't been fresh in thirty years. / That girl is
too fresh already.
You shouldn't lie, if you can't do it any better than that.
:: You're being really dramatic and self-indulgent.
:: Self-indulgent! You think I want to feel like this?
:: Nobody's making you.
=============
:: I can't believe she asked you to -
:: I can't believe you accepted.
=============
Yea- I mean - why not? Remember page 67 of 'The Godfather'?
=============
I haven't had sex in over a year. And I wouldn't mind making a habit of
it.
I wouldn't mind taking up the habit again.
=============
:: Don't you believe in love?
:: I certainly believe in consideration. And in ---
=============
(worked up) You are a little intense. Could you do a little less intense?
==========
I'm going for a walk round the market.
:: You won't find anything there. Just lorries parked up.
:: I think best when I'm walking - like Nietzsche. You wouldn't understand
that.
:: (indignantly) Nietzsche?
:: No. Thinking.
Neck not broken. It takes a good hangman to do that. Most people who hang themselves die from strangulation. Most people who hang themselves die from strangulation. A hangman can break the neck. They measure the drop and are skilled with the rope knot.
(to grumpy person) A man walks into a bar with a newt. He says to the barman: 'Give me a pint and something for my newt, Tiny.' The barman says: 'Why's he called Tiny?' And the man says: 'Because he's my newt'. There! You're laughing!
I've seen this movie. The (black guy / short guy / blonde guy) gets
shot first.
==========
This whole system depends on animals eating each other. Let's not get on
the menu.
==========
Just one more thing - do you think you could be attracted to me?
==========
:: Are you going to eat that bacon?
:: Yes. I ordered it, didn't I?
==========
Running gag about being different authorities to each situation by goodies
pretending to be - as College Health Authority.
==========
I have 400 meat-picking media vultures outside.
==========
Somebody please - take this bag of ugly snakes and lay them out for me.
==========
Aargh! That's a face for radio.
==========
There's something I feel I have to tell you -
:: Well, tell me. We're all about to die a horrible death anyway.
:: I want to rock your world. (attracted to her)
==========
OK this detective thing is a success. But am I growing as a person?
==========
Is the Nobel Prize paid I a lump sum or in instalments? Or is it like the
lottery?
==========
I'm concerned about the tax consequences.
==========
It smells disgusting.
:: Yes. Sometimes science (forensics) stinks.
No need to play the blame game here. No harm, no foul.
====
:: We have to be careful about protocol here. You remember protocol?
:: Yes, protocol. I have some protocol right here (menacing)
(sex) Getting barbequed like pork back ribs? It's just foreplay.
This is bad. This is very very bad.
(master disguised as servant)
:: Thank you, private.
:: Don't get used to this.
Things you need to remember in life - always spread the butter into the corners of the toast. And you don't have to worry about the middle.
Data literally means what goes into a computer. But it is only as good as the human who inputs it. What you really need is information.
You won't forget? My Dad's put £50 down on a Gandalph costume.
Leading to the metachondria not working, then the brain cells died leading to massive necrosis.
Any Redbull?
:: Redbull? Does this look like a café, you nonce?
Aedifisexual
Had there been a fire, and we all agreed there should have been -
You have just made a big withdrawal from the First Bank of Lies
Show and tell (lad remark on breast and dress)
Let's not drag through the septic tank you call your imagination
You have two ears and one mouth. Why not use them in that proportion?
Do you want me to help you? I'm being serious.
I'm being serious - get out!
What happened? Were you knock knock knocking on Heaven's Door?
(after date - teasing)
You're in good hands - I just had a beautiful manicure.
(to 2 boys) What are your two Mork and Mindy doing?
No pecks or no sex - about going to the gym.
We talked about this
No we have not
Well. I talked to other people about it.
===========================
PLOT - FARCE SITUATION - CONFRONTING THE VILLAINS IN DISGUISE
We could jump out and surprise them.
It would surprise us!
(Hiding from ruffians)
I don't have to give you anything but my name and number.
(caught by ruffians)
I didn't see you leading the charge!
I was waiting for your signal!
I've got an idea. That sort of villain is always afraid of the police.
If I go in there and pretend I'm a detective inspector.
Why can't we get the police?
We can't get out. You have the master key in your handbag and it's on the
desk in there.
Use this card -
What is it?
It's my Blockbuster's card. Just flash it around and they won't know the
difference.
============
(Explain complicated scheme)
Explain it to me again without the numbers - without the science
(taking attention away)
You don't pull focus from the bride!
(angry)
I am not speaking to you.
You just did.
Starting now
That counts?
Oohh!
I told him my feelings and then I washed down my rage with a few vodka martinis and a pill I found on the floor.
Is she attractive?
I don't know.
She has certain geological qualities. I wonder what she wears at weekends,
you know, away from work.
I think these two ponies need to be hosed down.
Is this a wardrobe malfunction? There's a lot of faux nude about it.
Have you ever thought of using all your brain cells at once and not lining them up one by one?
Are you self-medicating?
No, it's only ginko baloga. It helps my memory and I forget what else.
Did you hear of the executive order 247A62? No?
It's a powerful executive tool.
Are you by any chance acquainted with a (nuclear core encased in a ..)
…
No. I'm in advertising.
Now here's a thing. I have to know your name because I need to write
out this cheque to you.
My name - of this cheque? My best friends call me 'cash'.
(Star Trek) You don't want us to make fun of you?
That would be illogical.
I've only been with five people in the last two years. I'm like a hump-backed whale. Without the hump.
(frightened) Just say how frightened you are out of ten. It will help
you cope.
:: 2 - 4 - 7 - 10 - 10 - 401 - 703 - thousands! (rising fright)
Don't worry. You'll end up in one piece.
:: Right. I know. But a piece of what?
This is just a drink.
I wouldn't say that. It's a rather (special cocktail) ..
It's just a drink for old times' sake.
Just a drink for old time's sake.
Made love to music
(end of scene)
List music - Enigma variations, including a few Elgar never thought of.
You can go on giving your performance of Ming the Merciless.
I am saying this in the full spirit of sisterhood -
You are full of shit.
Look at all these bottles - (drinking) (flat mess)
I had guests.
Who? Guns and Roses? / The Libertines?
What has been happening round here? A ritual sacrifice? (flat mess)
Wake up and smell the accountants.
Right now - I'm going to use the F word - Felony.
I'm not getting any younger or any thinner.
We don't quit at half time. You don't score until you score.
So that is a story that never happened from a file that never existed.
I'm wearing leopard so that I can be easily spotted.
Let's do it to it!
I don't even like to see your head poking out of your sweater.
Yes - the North Gate Mafia - or as I like to call them - Really Organised Crime
You're really on the move - had a recent leg wax?
Is she mad at you?
Can't tell
Then she's really mad at you
Do you never knock
You don't like guys who knock.
Go into the basement - I'd go myself, but I don't want to get my clothes
dirty.
I see you've come prepared. (rude to office boy)
Toilet breaks come off your time sheet
Pull strings, and knock heads and pull knobs.
Those were the days when I could kill a man with my bare breasts
Fine - and when you become Satan's mistress, don't forget the little people like us.
Nobody believed they would spawn so fast. They were driven by one thing - only to feed.
:: You want the truth?
:: No. I was after the complete, utter lies, but the truth will do.
You are vulnerable in this area - you have motive.
I'll end up as road kill in the broad highway that is the detective business.
I'm just sitting here and drinking my body weight in coffee.
Who's that in the next booth?
George Michael
Could you get on with it? I am small talk intolerant.
It's big news.
:: I know -
:: But when is the right time to tell?
:: I'll give you a signal - I'll -
It's the raw law of nature. It's the jungle. We women will only donate our efforts to the most animal male. We can only lay our nails on the rugged.
Don't mind him. He's on screensaver.
Have you extra cutlery? I want to plunge it all into her back.
Hope you still got a taste for the real thing.
I've not choice (stupidly in love)
Who was it said, 'If you love someone, set them free'?
:: I'm afraid it was Sting
Homo Retardus
we've cancelled the Yoga class - the teacher's got stress.
Channel that anger back into the past.
(putting more work onto employee's desk)
From (boss) with love.
:: Oh good! I was just wondering how I was going to cover that last bit
of desk space remaining.
He will have a career as a lawn sprinkler.
If there is a way in, he will find it. They don't call him cat-flap for nothing.
She fell for it?
:: Hook, line and stinker.
How to avoid personal disappointment and self-defeat in your personal life? Never speak to anyone.
I would not do that, even if you were the last man in the world and
you and you
:: I see you have thought this out.
Those dresses only come in two sizes - trim and perky.
When he takes new stuff in, old stuff gets out - his hand
He read Harry Potter and forgot how to swim.
You won't keep me in your penthouse- I'm going back to my plough.
Oh, yea - well everybody hurts.
The centre cannot hold, my friend.
Sweet dreams are made of this.
The world is full of surprises. Most of them not that interesting, but surprising nevertheless. But a scary surprise -
We are nearly down to my change bowl.
I have heard that he is cool without trying, but I just find him trying.
You see - it's almost nothing. But that's how it always begins - very small.
It's not enough to want to know the truth. You have to know where to look for it. And the truth is elusive. It knows where to hide.
Mother may be afraid of many things. But if there is one thing she is not afraid of, it's a challenge.
Everyone has a little dirty laundry.
I thought he was kind and … hygienic
Breakfast with Tiffany
Because he forgot the first rule of war - know your enemy.
You have to understand the first rule of competition - in order to win, you have to want it more.
As I - , I vowed never again to sink to such depths. Or not for some time soon.
Competition - whether it's friendly rivalry or a fight to the death - the end result is the same. There will be winners and losers. But you need to know that the end result is the same. There will be winners and losers.
Like most sinners, I will worry about the consequences tomorrow.
I don't worry - it might give me wrinkles.
What's the only option available to us women? Shock and awe.
You can check out. But you can never leave.
There! Does it make me look fat?
(sarcastically) Compared to what?
Charming! No wonder you don't have a girlfriend.
Buying something in the garage shop late at night … mumbling by vendor … shoddy customer service … no eye contact.
Steeped in atmosphere - or steeped in something
we've become a nation of binge drinkers
Good! I'll have a pint of binge please
Yes - I fell for him hook, line and stinker. I think that's the last time I'll go on the hunt for 'Homo Retardus'.
Sleeping with a client is unethical
There aren't many ethics round where we live
Have you ever strayed?
Her command and control structure is too powerful
(condom) The Bart Simpson one with the sherbet is apparently amazing
What? I'm drunk not stupid
you will not believed what happened
you washed a dish?
if the money were a person it would be Courtney love
Dr. Christmas Jones: You wanna put that in English for those of us who don't speak Spy?
No offence - but you really -
Thanks, that 'no offence' really softened that blow.
I'm plenty sensitive with my women friends
The more cool you are, the less there is to go around for us.
=========================
MAN'S VOICE-OVER It was all a dream . . .
(laughs infectiously)
... no it wasn't. I couldn't resist. Harp music and voice-over at the beginning
of a film, as soon as you hear it, it establishes the mood. Personally
... I start nodding off. I mean, it's a killer . . .
The music changes and goes into a laid-back blues which makes the fingers
click. Piano bass and drums with some nice string textures from time to
time. The following text should have the feel of an improvised talking
blues.
More credits . . .
. . . that's better . . . but sometimes, sometimes voice-over does the
trick, which is to give you a lot of information as quickly as possible
-
(speech becomes quicker) information that otherwise would take minutes
of valuable screen time. You know . . . those scenes that are just about
schematic information where I ask questions and say the character's name
and we talk about how long is it since we last saw each other and aren't
you the guy that did so and so . . . I'm just saying upfront that this
voice-over thing is for your benefit and I'll try to keep it as brief as
possible because I've noticed that a lot of films are creeping towards
the three-hour mark and there's nothing wrong with ninety minutes . . .
Anyway ... to the point.
- =================
Is that all you ever think about?
(geek boy) I like to think so, yes.
And that's my number.
Actually - I've got your number.
I can't afford you losing another limb.
Boss! You're such a fuss pot!
No! I really can't afford you losing another limb. The insurance claims
are sky high and we lost the no claims bonus on XXX.
If you made me miss my - ., I'll be back to knee you in the other one.
Got my left arm blown off - to some extent.
What's that in Galactic Standard English??
One person in and …
Just after you called me commander, you said something about being shot
at, did you?
Yes!
O bum!
(end of scene)
The finest computers-sensors-forensics money can buy, and I am back
to absolutely - nothing. Lucky I'm pretty!
So we're back to the training - XXXXX - caution and vigilance. (forensics
rules)
(Sarcastic)
Is this a lemon in my drink?
Not a whole one.
It's the thought that counts
It's the thought that stinks
He couldn't have found a worse night to arrive, if he tried.
Which he probably did.
He tried - o - he tried.
=================================================
=================================================
How can I have so much pain in my leg with no visible marks? (hung over)
I caught a sight of her trying something on in the XXX changing room - I thought I was sharing the cubicle with a Sumo wrestler
How do I do that to clothes? When I put on this dress it never looks like anyone else in the world.
I thought I was mad!
No - you really are mad.
Looks like a 200 yr Native American dwarf
I hate Jane Fonda - I hope all her old skin comes back to haunt her. I bought her (products) - I paid for that plastic surgery.
(American - New Age)
Come on everyone - hold hands - a feeling circle - I want to say thank
you for whatever being or entity brought us together here.
In with anger - out with love
Every life is a trash can, into which we pour the XXX
Don't you feel insulted by that?
I've lived with her - believe me - that's flirtation.
Have I begun to plateau out?
(meeting - romantic)
I'm Jago (Mungo) - just plain Jago!
I wouldn't say plain Jago - I would say handsome Jago!
(repeated line)
Why is nothing ever simple with you?
=================================================
=================================================
4.1.2
(A bit late in the evening - LAVINIA and VELMA have been drinking - we are in a wine bar)
LAVINIA: Look around us - this country has become a nation of binge
drinkers.
VELMA: Good! Fabulous! I'll have a pint of their best binge please.
LAVINIA: Velma! You are my dearest friend - my oldest friend! …
VELMA: Less of the age gap, darling. Aren't you catching up on me very
soon?
LAVINIA: It will not be spoken of - the terrifying four oh!
VELMA: You need to party, my precious!
LAVINIA: Never, that would be to give in, to brand myself with the 'F'
word. Never. NO TO FORTY! What good's a rite-of-passage party, proclaiming
that I am stuck somewhere between forty and death!
VELMA: Do you really want an honest answer?
LAVINIA: Will it hurt?
VELMA: It'll hurt.
LAVINIA: No. I don't want an honest answer.
VELMA: I'm arranging you a party - just say 'yes'!
LAVINIA: You do that and I'll be the one out the back with the gun in my
mouth. They start to hide the lifebelts after you hit 40.
VELMA: Nonsense - by the power vested in me, as the best (and slightly
older) friend of Lavinia Teasman, I proclaim your birthday party!
LAVINIA: I give in.
VELMA: I'll text all our friends right away!
LAVINIA: I keep meaning to get into that texting - what is it really?
VELMA: It's like writing the party invitations, only you don't have to
spell correctly.
====
Sting tells Naz that the baddies are about to arrive and he is to improvise
STING: (frightened and with bad news) What are you doing, Sherlock?
Naz: (on their computer) Can't be disturbed right now - I'm downloading
the Diamond folder onto my memory stick …
STING: Not any more, you're not! That [name of car and colour] fifty metres
away means that trouble is about to land on your doorstep.
Naz: The [name of baddies gang]! Noooooooooo!! (losing it) Fight or flight?
Fright!!
STING: (trying to calm him using Star Trek) That would be illogical captain!
Naz: What am I to do?
STING: I'm thinking!
Naz: They're [bad and dangerous crims]. Like I'm to jump out and surprise
them?
STING: It would sure surprise you!! Right - have you got a card on you?
Naz: Card? You think it's my birthday?
STING: No! Identity card - your old student union card, Underground Oyster
…
Naz: (desperately searching) Blockbusters! And??
STING: The computer thing finished?
Naz: Yea - help meeee!
STING: What does everyone want to get out of their house, and even villains
want to?
Naz: A frightened computer geek?
STING: The annoying neighbour who runs Community Watch! Now get into the
hall - pick the locks on their front door -
Naz: (rushing into the hall and at the door locks) I don't see you leading
the charge! I've got the last lock now…
STING: Stand calmly in their hall inside the open door and I'll rely you
what to say… Here they are!
(gives him instructions)
Naz is caught by the Baddies and is frightened ………..
BADDIE: Who are you, you muppet? What they call you on your Giro envelope?
Naz: (foolishly and desperately as if this is the War) I don't have to
give you anything but my name and number.
BADDIE 2: Just shoot him and bag him, we don't have time for this.
BADDIE: Hold on - He don't look like a burglar - not the type to be doing
over our drum - (to him) We want an honest answer
Naz: Will it hurt?
BADDIE: It could hurt….
STING and Naz: (down his ear piece) Do you know how many burglaries are
prevented by your Neighbourhood Watch committee member?
BADDIE: Where's your leaflets then?
STING: Wave the Blockbusters' card at them vaguely!
Naz: This is my NW committee card - I saw your front door was open wide
and I -
BADDIE: Did you see the blagger who was inside?
Naz: I waved this card at him and shouted - he ran off that-a-way……
in a hood thing - couldn't identify him really - can you let me down now?
BADDIE2 : (coming back into the hall) Nothing's been touched- nothing's
been fingered even.
BADDIE: (putting him down and kindly) We have been misapprised about your
kindly neighbourhood watching, geekie boy.
Naz: I'll be off then………
BADDIE: (waving him away) Keep up the good snooping!
Naz: (going off) I'll leave in some leaflets tomorrow!
BADDIE: (sniffing) I think his bag needs changing - but good on him.
====
looking after someone
Drink this, eat that, and then you'll talk to me about rest.
I went cross-referencing stats from phone calls, mobile calls, her texts, her internet clicks - fishing
His door is locked - so you have to give the Famous Five Knock (Dah-de-dah - dah)
Out of your league Buffy, try the XXX
How you get around so fast?
I keep my ears open. (further to)
You don't know what I'm on about.
Time for swopsies - or you came here for something.
I think he needs protecting - properly protecting.
Pressure's dropping - tilt him! (patient in danger and wounded)
There's more bling here than on Ebay
There's more bling here than a footballer's wife' boudoir.
It's like a fashion ram-raid - but on ….
What are the blokes like? Are we in the zone of the eau de cologne or the
I am hot for a love knot - for the whole lot - it's my weak spot - and
I reckon I'll give Superman over there a passing shot. I've heard he is
the tongue meister
Where did you learn that jive speak, sister? And that's not Superman -
that's a sad example of 'homo retardus'. Just because he's a hunk with
a bunk.
He was expressing the frustration of urban youth as they fight their way out of oppression.
(response to angry woman - or boss)
Anger - it's such a turn on.
Booty-licious
As rude as the [R1] show - but easier to understand
Water pistols spraying each other - no girls allowed - in the back garden
Drink Australian - think Australian
We're expecting the unexpected - and we're preparing for it
You'd think they should have been put into quarantine first.
Bucks Fizz & John Noakes
Peach schnapps
You think Craig Charles is hilarious
Blonde - who saw that coming?
He's so good looking - he looks like the young James Deane - I mean before the crash.
That's a pattern I choose to break, but I feel your pain.
A Ninja rejection - you just wear black and move along the wall.
Shoes are leather - I won't eat anything with a face, but when it has passed over, I will peal it and wear it.
And the condition is that I cannot ask you questions in return.
Wet behind the ears, and several other places.
This is a true story - it just hasn't happened yet.
(in car - with taxi driver or other)
Do you know anyone who might be following you?
No - what?
Look behind you.
Yea- I can see a blue Citron 2CV
Not the most likely vehicle! Actually, there's a black Mercedes, discreetly
behind - looks like driven by a professional.
No doubt about it. He is on your tail. A skilled operator. A professional,
dangerous.
(gag sci-fi - loses arm - running joke - unfortunately keeps making
the wrong remarks)
Put it there
Light this fag for me
I should have drawn the map before I ….
(cannot hand on recipe)
I can't tell you. If I divulged, I'd have to kill you.
Some people are born to dance. You were born to duck.
It's like food combining. You always end up with 'if you like it - have it'.
This is the true story of --- It just hasn't happened yet.
You can't leave me frail and unprotected like an asphodel in a wind tunnel.
I'm like the final pint in the glass - heady, handy for a man and bitter.
This is no time for male bonding, let us make our escape.
Sting and Naz 3-1-1
STING: Wow! Look at that hen night posse Naz - they are going wild on
peach schnapps!
Naz They are marching in our direction! Is the Macarena meant to be performed
as a bridesmaids' conga?
STING: Bridesmaids! Five girls in the same dress! I like it! - make way
for Sting, the tongue meister!
HEN PARTY GIRL 1: Does your friend need dancing lessons? He's got moves
like Rain Man.
STING: (mock chivalrous) My lady, some people are born to dance. Naz was
born to waddle.
HEN PARTY GIRL 2: (coming on to him) Hey, blondie [is he?]! You wanna be
our wedding planner? Plan our wedding spread!?
STING: My dears, assuredly I'm a friend of Muriel's tonight! Allow me the
freedom of ….
(Hen party turns nasty as Sting oversteps the mark with wandering hands)
HEN PARTY GIRL 2: Oi! (commotion) Get your hands off my bouquet! Naff right
off!
HEN PARTY GIRL 1: Leave him [suitable girl's name] - let's go back to the
bar.
STING: (recovering from being pushed around) Anger - it's such a turn on
in a bride.
Naz: Right, Sting. You're so cool you don't leave much around for the rest
of us.
STING: And you're wet around the ears and in several other places.
Wet behind the ears, and several other places.
You look like the young James Deane - I mean before the crash
(response to angry woman - or boss)
Booty-licious
Naz gets caught up in the fight with Josh Crook's goons.
BADDIE 1: You got in my way - you wanna pay, Water Boy [or some other
insulting reference] - so just crawl out from under that table.
Naz: (very frightened) This payment thing … will it hurt?
BADDIE 1: It could hurt….a lot….
STING: (intervening) Back off you muppet.
BADDIE 2: (holding back BADDIE 1) We don't have time for this! It's exit
time. Now!
BADDIE 1: Just let me stamp on him!
Naz: (foolishly and desperately as if this is the War) I don't have to
give you anything but my name and number.
BADDIE 2: The [big car name] - you and me! Right now!
STING: (waving them away) We'll meet again on Crime Watch! Your ASBO is
in the post!
BADDIE 2: I don't forget a face, particularly one that needs rearranging!
(sniffing) I think your mate's bag needs changing.
STING: (helping Naz) C'mon Naz ! The Brat Pack have left the building.
Naz: (weakly trying some bravado) Just let me at them! Just give me the
chance for a slamdown!
STING: (trying to calm him using Star Trek) That would be illogical captain!
BADDIE: Who are you, you muppet? What they call you on your Giro envelope?
Naz: (foolishly and desperately as if this is the War) I don't have to
give you anything but my name and number.
BADDIE 2: Just shoot him and bag him, we don't have time for this.
BADDIE: Hold on - He don't look like a burglar - not the type to be doing
over our drum - (to him) We want an honest answer
Naz: Will it hurt?
BADDIE: It could hurt….
STING to Naz: (down his ear piece) Do you know how many burglaries are
prevented by your Neighbourhood Watch committee member?
BADDIE: Where's your leaflets then?
STING: Wave the Blockbusters' card at them vaguely!
Naz: This is my NW committee card - I saw your front door was open wide
and I -
BADDIE: Did you see the blagger who was inside?
Naz: I waved this card at him and shouted - he ran off that-a-way……
in a hood thing - couldn't identify him really - can you let me down now?
BADDIE2 : (coming back into the hall) Nothing's been touched- nothing's
been fingered even.
BADDIE: (putting him down and kindly) We have been misapprised about your
kindly neighbourhood watching, geekie boy.
Naz: I'll be off then………
BADDIE: (waving him away) Keep up the good snooping!
Naz: (going off) I'll leave in some leaflets tomorrow!
BADDIE: (sniffing) I think his bag needs changing - but good on him.
(Lavinia and MANAGER Jago get it on in his office. Things are getting a bit of a problem in the club and they have retired to his office, but also because they are attracted to each other - the atmosphere is charged with attraction)
EXCERPT
Lavinia I know it's tough out there, Jago.
Jago: I should be out there - and I can't leave you.
Lavinia You won't be let out this door, unless I make you laugh! Until
I see those blue eyes twinkling again!
Jago: I can't smile right now, Lavinia - I've got other feelings right
now though ..
Lavinia Hush! Trust me! A man walks into a bar with a newt. He says to
the barman: 'Give me a pint and something for my newt, Tiny.' The barman
says: 'Why's he called Tiny?' And the man says: 'Because he's my newt'.
There! You're laughing!
Jago: I'm laughing and I still have those feelings ….
Lavinia Hush! Don't let this be one of those mistakes - a mistake, Jago,
that you can never take back!
Jago: Are there any other kind?
Lavinia I'll need notice for a question as searching as that. No - Get
the door -
Jago: Hold it, Lavinia - Just one more thing - do you think you could be
attracted to me?
This is going to be one of those mistakes. One of those mistakes that
you can never take back.
Are there any other kinds?
(to grumpy person) A man walks into a bar with a newt. He says to the barman:
'Give me a pint and something for my newt, Tiny.' The barman says: 'Why's
he called Tiny?' And the man says: 'Because he's my newt'. There! You're
laughing!
I've seen this movie. The (black guy / short guy / blonde guy) gets shot first.
This whole system depends on animals eating each other. Let's not get on the menu.
Let me be your soft place to fall.
You are my soft place to fall.
Let's tick that box.
But that box is filling up rather fast.
His recipe book is 'One is Fun' - that's a clue.
I want him to make love to me with an intensity you would not have thought possible in a caravan.
I dream of Delia Smith making meals for one and eating them herself.
There's something strange about lockkeepers - none of them blink.
How do you rate our chances?
Well, looking about your (equipment), I would rate your chances as absolutely
futile.
Is that a threat?
It's a strong suggestion.
Well I have my suggestion for you - rack off.
It's better than spending the rest of your life in jail.
:: I don't know any difference
(motivating moving against the baddies)
E-mail -
Must have accessed your account - when you start a university account,
you must get an access e-mail from them.
I got the password to the university server.
I used to go out with a guy in the computing group.
Useful for -
We don' t know who sent this e-mail. But we know the computer that sent
it. That's the internet protocol address.
You'll end up like your sister, and I don't mean grumpy.
You're mad!
Oh! That old chestnut. (dismissing)
This is better than sex. (geek is enthusiastic)
:: So how pray, would you know?
I now declare this car boot open.
She is going to blow, Mr. Tracy.
He looks like Elephant Man.
So maybe we should put him in the trunk.
There are no actors, there are only tiny babies.
Spot the Charm School graduates.
If you can't do me a favour, treat me exactly like I had a tooth out (and not due to the more serious crisis that has happened).
(repeated line) It's not getting any better, is it?
(aggressive) You're not going out
:: Oh? Nothing gets past you, does it?
(worried and sarcastic woman about sex) This is not a competition - this is just a game where we add up how many times we've had sex.
These flowers are for you
(vamp) I wonder what I'll do to deserve this
I want to ask you something - but it's very intimate and I don't want you to be insensitive. (to vamp)
What if I'm like Space Mountain - you know - once you've been on it, you never want to do it again
Countess Drunkula
How about bringing that volume down to foghorn level?
I'm really really desperate - I really need it - I'm so sexual -
I really really needed not to know that
If he turns pink, he ---, if he turns red, he ---, if he turns purple
-
What do you want, a colour chart?
He is certified half ----, dead, and a bit ugly.
(SWEAR) You bucket-headed bitch
The whole wheelie bin!
You mean the whole wheelie bin?
Yea, the whole wheelie bin
Yea - the fork in the road!
But you can't tell which is the road less travelled, it's all tarmac
The road to the beginning is the road to the end.
Oh, stop it.
Will you stop playing the Jedi Master all the time?
As Pink Floyd said - 'Set the Controls for the Centre of the Sun'.
It's like being in a particle accelerator
Have you got the circuit tester?
Why?
So I can wire it up to your head and test the echoes.
Can I ask you an honest question?
Depends if you want an honest answer.
That's not who you are. It's what you do.
You don't look thrilled.
Yea? I'm in happy shock.
Top of the hottie parade
He couldn't run a bath, that boy.
I'll set my charm phaser on stun
OR
I see you have set your charm phaser on stun
If a word of this gets past your lip gloss
OR
Not a word of this will get past my lip gloss
As long as we're together - what bad can happen?
Where have you been - you are almost late!
In this country we have an expression for almost late. It's called on time!
Don't listen to that - it's a pulse alarm - those things are very unreliable.
(BEEP Beep Beep)
(Beep goes off faster)
Jack! Jack?
FX: Ambulance siren - next scene in ambulance
When you hear what I say, you are going to have to stop yourself ripping off my shoes and kissing my feet.
Don't be silly, he's not even a musician
Many people aren't.
Just keep the top button buttoned up to keep in your feelings.
We don't talk about it and we don't refer to it, but it's still there.
So -
No - this is what we're wearing.
Right, so long as it makes you comfortable.
He's on medication. He thinks you're a balloon.
The kind that wears a tool belt but does not know how to spell it.
That kind of guy only exists in porno movies.
(Enter) Scuse me ladies, did any of you ladies want their pipes cleaned
out.
I'd believe you - thousands won't.
Hey you! King Gob! You will keep your mouth shut. Thousands will not get
to hear about it.
Take him with you - he's mucking up my fang shui something rotten.
Council Tax Band C this is - we're almost posh.
Are you sure this is a good idea?
I don't know, but it's the only one I've got.
(sarcastic) I'm still a big fan of your work.
Why put off till tomorrow what you can put off indefinitely?
SPA MATERIAL
ADVERTISING DISCLAIMER for a radio ad (comedy) - which disproves all the claims made in the ad itself. Performed really speedily, as in those annoying TV ads. EXAMPLE: 'The management of Centre Pecs body makeover factory cannot guarantee your body will be modified in any way. Muscles are exercised at owners' own risk. Centre Pecs staff may contain nutters'.
Also 'Centre Pecs reserves the right to peel the skin off your back and the cash from your wallet'. (Back to ad with their TAG LINE) 'Stress relief? - we're lovin' it!'
Also 'Centre Pecs cannot guarantee significant weight loss, but you will relax with others of your kind'. (Back to ad with their TAG LINE) 'Beauty a la carte? - we're lovin' it!'
Also 'Centre Pecs cannot guarantee total spiritual renewal, but a qualified internet link to heaven is available on enquiry from reception.'
Also 'Centre Pecs reserves the right to cancel our Yoga and deep relaxation classes without notice. Our teacher suffers from stress.'
ADS
'INCREDIBLE - RELAXING - DESIGNER WATER BEVERAGES - MUD PACKS THAT GUARANTEE
SIGNIFICANT WEIGHT LOSS BY PEELING THE SKIN OFF YOUR BACK - that's what
Centre Pecs can mean to your credit card!'
Don't push a river, let it flow.
A: I think we started off on the wrong foot.
B: Maybe because it was in your mouth at the time.
That's disturbing!
Was I right?
That's what's disturbing.
How do you sleep at night?
I find sleep is very overrated.
ROXY ONE-LINERS
Take him with you - he's mucking up my fang shui something rotten.
I see you have set your charm phaser on stun
Not a word of this will get past my lip gloss
Run back down that Flume? He couldn't run a bath!
The row that pair are making in the Flume! It's like being next to a particle accelerator
(To the pair screaming in the Flume) How about bringing that volume down to foghorn level?
Yvonne could be drunk - Roxy calls her 'Countess Drunkula'
This is not a competition - this is just a game where we add up how many times this Leisure Island is about to go under.
(repeated line) It's not getting any better, is it?
This is better than sex. And I should know!
(Reporter or Rico or such like) How do you rate our chances?
Roxanne: Well, looking about your (equipment), I would rate your chances
as absolutely futile.
(Worried Rico or such like) This is going to be one of those mistakes.
One of those mistakes that you can never take back.
Roxanne: Are there any other kinds?
Roxanne (to Yvonne about William) (sniffing) I think his bag needs changing now - be good to him!
I'm so cool, I don't leave much around for the rest of you.
(of William) He's wet around the ears and in several other places.
(of Yvonne) Anger - it's such a turn on in a brunette who dresses down.
I'm like the final pint in the glass - heady, handy for a man and bitter.
From this end, that Flume is smelling now like a wind tunnel.
Desperately looking for someone normal - you know, five fingers, no fur.
How to click with women. I already can. Clickety-click-click-click
I'm a big girl (boy), figuratively!
I gave up smoking. But I've started again. My lungs are sentimental.
Swop up to a megahertz, killa-drive , thing-a-tron.
A: You're probably thinking that .....
I wasn't thinking of that, but I am now.
Come on! Shoo! Kumbaya!
I would like to meet a very nice man, and have a sexually charged, no speaking affair.
Tear-your-life apart, tear-your-heart apart (lover)
Sense of humour failure from the quip-meister.
What's wrong? I am here to help, to soothe, to calm.
Men are here to hunt, they are hunter-gatherers. Now go out there and hunt.
Commitment and fidelity are my middle names.
I bet that makes for interesting reading on your passport.
Another IQ point and he'd be a lamppost.
(VILLAIN) Think context. Think perspective.
(NICKNAME) Clanger
I think she may have been doing more than Yoga.
:: Hey Eric! I need an honest opinion.
:: People only say that when they know the answer themselves.
:: What does that mean?
:: How much time have you got?
(INSULT) Teabag!
Bump and swipe
(REPEATED LINE) Just tying up the loose ends.
(TRAIL) We are now listening in to Luke and his solution to being more assertive. 'I'm now tuning in to …. soap'.
I'm feeling raw, moved but uplifted.
Enjoy every moment of your life!
I would love to. But I have the upper body strength of a kitten. I need your help.
I only looked at a few pictures of women on the internet. Mostly they were alone.
PLOT: Photos posted on the internet of a staff member.
I bet your skin has no pores.
Is that all you learned at slut school?
(INSULT) you've gone too far, you nut job!
There are products you can get for that.
What don't you understand? I've said words with my mouth, which you've heard with your brain through your ears.
Now that is a pot full of goodness.
The panty piggy-bank.
I want you to do some gardening in my parsley patch.
:: You're awake!
:: Either that, or this is the most extraordinary ordinary dream I've
ever had.
Have they invented the hoover car yet?
What? Is he the ginger Jesus or what?
You can't teach height.
If it's what you really want! Then - wake the tiger!
(INSULT) Crack pot
Do me a favour. I'll have to swerve the hot pot.
(THEY KISS) What's that lipstick taste of?
Slapper!
PLOT: Guess the number of jellybeans in a competition, because the
villain has hidden the number code in the competition result to communicate
with….
Find empty boxes. Count up contents. Guess how many the villain will have
eaten. He is a diabetic. And with a sweet tooth. Calculate how many he
can eat (as he has calculated) and subtract. To get accurate number.
:: Any last requests?
:: Cut out the long version of 'Stairway to Heaven'.
(VILLAIN) Step back! This one could be a gusher.
(VILLAIN) You are the ugliest vision. But you have given me the most beautiful idea.
I got his parking space.
I'm a pack-rat. I never throw anything out.
:: We all know nice girls finish last.
:: So where did you finish?
She takes her pregnancy test with her cereals every morning.
:: Women bond easily.
:: Wow! That is an image working for me.
There you are!
Yes I am. An anaesthetist in the anaesthetist's room.
That's really childish.
I am much younger than I look.
That is just fantastic
Thanks very much!
Not that! That's (You're) just weird. No - this!
I have no response to that.
I have something for you - something tells me that you are not a flowers kind of guy.
=================================================
Trails - some material
Please do not turn your radio sideways! It makes us fall over while we are broadcasting 'Leisure Island' - the soap opera for youngsters! 'Leisure Island' - the only radio soap that offers you free food! Hey! Where's the respect?
You are forbidden to eat while listening to 'Leisure Island'. That is completely illegal. Please stay completely still. 'Leisure Island', the radio soap of many colours, is about to depart.
Hullo there Poptart Dodgers! Why not pick up a Poptart - we keep them on the bottom row of the supermarket. Bend down now! And completely free with your Poptart - is - 'Leisure Island'! - the radio soap in many flavours.
Expect the unexpected - and we'll prepare you for it! Happiness is a radio soap called 'Leisure Island' - it takes place on an island, and it's about leisure!
Ground Control to Majorettes! March to the tune of 'Leisure Island'! Follow the band inside your radio and swim towards 'Leisure Island'!
Everything you hear is mostly true! Especially on 'Leisure Island' - the radio soap! So good, you'll want to buy the company!
There now follows an important announcement from the company that brings you 'Leisure Island'! We offer you the biggest bargain of them all - lots of episodes just for the price of your radio licence!
'Leisure Island' ! Won't help reduce the traffic congestion or make you vote, but reaches the fun places!
Or
Organise it as a racing commentary - 'Hello! You join us here at 'Leisure
Island' adventures for the race to … and a favourite is .. [clip]
and coming up fast is … [clip]
OR
As if charity appeal - end in (smarmy pleading voice) 'Please do what
you can to listen in to 'Leisure Island', the only radio soap acted entirely
by glove puppets.'
(As if public service announcement - LIST OF DON'TS RELATING TO STUDENT
LIFE)
Don't hack into your neighbour's WiFi, don't download spam, don't slip
your disk, don't hard-drive it, don't soft drive it, don't wib your web,
don't dot com off, don't take E - (pause) mail, don't wiggle your mouse,
don't shut down, and don't move until you have heard the latest episode
of 'Leisure Island'!
(Smarmy voice and mood music) 'Here's a moment to paint a mental picture' - (FX nice chord) - mmmm, tune in to 'Leisure Island' and get the real crunk!
Are your ears getting hungry yet? Want to savour the flavour of XXXX [clip] and XXXX [clip]. Fancy the aroma of XXXX [clip]. 'Leisure Island' - you know you need it. (as warning message) 'Leisure Island' does not allow you to listen willy-nilly. One episode and you will be hooked!
Bedtime stories for the weak among you. (deep story telling) 'As Marjorie slowly unwrapped the heavy, aromatic parcel, she could hold back no longer. She was now starting to salivate … ' (FX gramophone record ripped off) Alternatively, stay awake and listen to the next exciting episode of 'Leisure Island' [clip].
Listen carefully ….. We will only broadcast this once. Can you feel the love in the room? You must be tuned in to 'Leisure Island'!
'Leisure Island' - open twenty-four hours a day, if you don't include the shops! Or 'McFitties', our body modification gym. Or 'The Beauty Spot', our spa for glamour à la carte! 'Leisure Island' - only open five minutes a day for another throbbing episode!
Do you gargle with bong water? Does the bloke in your mirror look like Eamonn Holmes or Russell Grant or Blakey from 'On the Buses'? You need to listen in to the next episode of 'Leisure Island' - the radio soap that will shape your future!
If you are listening to this in 2006, well this is the present. If you are listening to this in 3006, it's the future. And if you are listening in 1606, well, our advice is, 'hide the box that speaks'! They will burn you as a witch! But it's still worth tuning in to 'Leisure Island' - the soapest with the mostest!
=================================================
=================================================
'Leisure Island' - with its body modification centre, 'McFitties', and glamour à la carte in 'The Beauty Spot'
ADVERTISING MATERIAL
ADVERTISING DISCLAIMER for a radio ad (comedy) - which disproves all the
claims made in the ad itself. Performed really speedily, as in those annoying
TV ads. EXAMPLE:
'The management of 'McFitties' body makeover factory cannot guarantee
your body will be modified in any way. Muscles are exercised at owners'
own risk. 'McFitties' staff may contain nutters'.
Also 'McFitties' reserves the right to peel the skin off your back and
the cash from your wallet'. (Back to ad with their TAG LINE) 'Stress relief?
- we're lovin' it!'
Also 'McFitties' cannot guarantee significant weight loss, but you will
relax with others of your kind'. (Back to ad with their TAG LINE) 'Beauty
a la carte? - we're lovin' it!'
Also Also 'McFitties' cannot guarantee total spiritual renewal, but
a qualified internet link to heaven is available on enquiry from reception.'
Also 'McFitties' reserves the right to cancel our Yoga and deep relaxation
classes without notice. Our teacher suffers from stress.'
ADVERTISING:
(Smarmy voice) 'INCREDIBLE - RELAXING - DESIGNER WATER BEVERAGES -
MUD PACKS THAT GUARANTEE SIGNIFICANT WEIGHT LOSS BY PEELING THE SKIN OFF
YOUR BACK - that's what 'McFitties' can mean to your credit card!'
(Smarmy voice) Imagine relaxing in a 'McFitties' spa, deep in a spring-fed
pool, with water clean enough to come from one of those green French bottles.
Our staff will serve your every whim. Take CHARDONNAY-BRIOCHE, our towelling
technician - (CHARDONNAY-BRIOCHE heard snarling 'I said keep that towel
on! You may have read FRESHEN UP on that notice, but you are asking for
a lot more servicing than my weekly wage packet covers!')
RICO ADS
(smarmy voice) 'A full body massage here, a stimulating plunge pool there,
and our fully-trained staff everywhere. Take Rico!' (Rico heard: 'Scuse
me ladies, did any of you madames want their pipes cleaned out?') AND
(Rico heard: 'I'm not just wearing this tool belt for show!') AND (Rico:
'Can I hold your towel? You are mucking about with my feng shui something
rotten!') AND (LADY: 'You want me to go into that sauna cabin with you?
Are you sure this is a good idea?' RICO: I don't know, but it's the only
one I've got!') AND (SHOCKED LADY: 'He's massaging those erotic oils on
you and he doesn't even have the qualifications! PLEASED LADY: I know!
And he has such rough hands!')
Relax - Relax! You are on a 'Leisure Island' holiday. Why not plunge into our Fabulous Flume? - with its Tropical Twist and Jungle Rumble Aqua Whiz total screaming fear slide! - dropping you - from an uninsured height - into the Boom Bay hurricane pool. WARNING: Your home may be at risk if you do not keep up your payments on your 'Leisure Island' …
Does your hair normally fall out? Or does it normally stay in more? Visit our experts at 'The Beauty Spot', where our NVQ level 1 crimpers will make you curl up! Here's what Mr. Teazy Weazy Trevor himself says: (nasty) 'There are products you can get for that.'
Listen carefully ….. We will broadcast this only once. Can you feel the love in the Crazy Arcade and the Calypso Cafe? You must be paying for a holiday in 'Leisure Island'! WARNING: A number of words you hear in this episode of 'Leisure Island' may be repeated. This is normal. Repeat - this is normal.
(Smarmy voice and mood music) 'Here's a moment to paint a mental picture'
(As if public service announcement - LIST OF DON'TS RELATING TO STUDENT
LIFE)
Hey you out there! Sit up! You a student? Don't hack into your neighbour's
WiFi, don't download spam, don't slip your disk, don't hard-drive it, don't
soft drive it, don't wib your web, don't dot com off, don't take E - (pause)
mail, don't wiggle your mouse, don't shut down, and don't move until you
have splashed your cash at 'Leisure Island'! (Slogan) Enjoy every moment
of your life! 'Leisure Island' is the best place to boost your student
loan!
'Leisure Island' is open twenty-four hours a day, if you don't include the shops! Drop in to 'McFitties', our body modification gym. Or 'The Beauty Spot', our spa for glamour à la carte! Now that is a pot full of goodness! You'll feel raw, uplifted, but mostly moved! Mmmmm!
Here is the experience of a typical student before arriving at 'Leisure Island' : (male student, desperate confession) 'Look! I only looked at a few pictures of women on the internet. Mostly they were alone.' See what we mean? Another IQ point and he'd be a lamppost. Here is the same student AFTER 24 hours at 'Leisure Island' - and he's beside you in the college bar - (male student, sophisticated) 'Honey? I have a soft spot for you! It's called my bed'. (Slogan) Enjoy every moment of your life! (USE DISCLAIMER)
See also http://www.bitoffun.com/Oneline.alfa.htm
To WELCOME PAGE
Radio Soap (serial drama) - HOW TO MAKE IT
Five-minute episodes - or short episodes
Step by step instruction from Alan Beck.
Learn about radio drama on this site along with my book - Beck, Alan, Radio Acting, London: A & C Black (1997) ISBN 0-7136-4631-4
This is how to make a short-form soap - entertaining (above all) and you can include issues (issues that could influence the listeners' behaviour).
Further: production, scripting, web site, marketing, focus group meetings, drop-in script, copyright material logging, trails, soap launch.
LINKS WITH OTHER SITE
Radio Drama - directing, acting, technical, learning & teaching, researching, styles, genres
This is a complete curriculum of scripts, techniques, advice, sound files - effects and atmoses (with no copyright and so free to use), detailed script commentaries, etc. -
Contact: [email protected]
This site's address: http://www.savoyhill.co.uk/soap/index.html