Keira Moran Episode 20 - 'Carry on Locating'

'Carry On' comedy chuckles

4.5.1 Keira Moran

 

F/X: INT. DEFAULT SETTINGS OFFICE. ABOUT 11AM.

 

OLIVIA: So you had to camp out all night, and with Jack, what a nightmare!

FLICK: I know!

 

JACK: Ladies, ladies there's plenty to go around, and Liv you're just jealous that it wasn't you stranded out there with me.

OLIVIA: Whatever makes you feel better Jack. Anyway, I came out here to make an announcement so if you'll excuse me. Right, everybody if I could just have your attention for a moment…

F/X: GENERAL SHH'S AND HUSH.

OLIVIA: Thanks, I just want to announce a last minute decision. We are throwing a party for some prospective clients tonight. They are intending to shoot Dr Who in Britain but backed by American money, with Ben stiller taking the lead and J. Lo the lovely assistant!

F/X: GENERAL GROANS.

COLIN: (Outraged) An American playing Dr Who?? What's the world coming to?

OLIVIA: Right, just contain your excitement. I expect everyone to be there and to dress up! If anyone needs anything I'll be in my office.

JACK: I hate fancy dress! It makes you look so stupid!

FLICK: Doesn't everyone?

COLIN: No, I love it! I would have thought it was right down your two's street, pretending to be something you're not!

FLICK: What's that supposed to mean?

JACK: Oh just ignore him, he's the one pretending to be something he isn't, for instance backstabbing your mate!

COLIN: What was that?

FLICK: Right, I'm going to leave you two children to it.

COLIN: So you've decided to talk to me now (pause-no answer) I can't be bothered with all this, now if you'll excuse me some of us have work to do!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

4.5.2

F/X: INT. STORAGE ROOM. COLIN PRACTISING IN HIS DALIK COSTUME OVERHEARS FLICK ON THE PHONE.

COLIN: I can't believe my luck, a dalik costume. How cool does this look? And it's a perfect fit! Jack is not going to be pleased that he missed the boast on all the good ones! (Makes pretend gun noises) Exterminate, exterminate!

F/X: FLICK OPENS DOORAND ENTERS STORAGE ROOM.

FLICK: Yeah, I'm in the storage room, it's the only place where no one was around.

COLIN: (v. quietly) Flick!

FLICK: I was a bit worried for a minute but then they were too busy fighting each other to bother with me. But it was a bit too close for my liking I need to pass this information on to you soon. There's a fancy dress party tonight, I'll give you all of Default Settings contacts there, it'll ruin them. I'm going to be dressed as Dr Who's Assistant, I've got your costume here it's a (SOMETHING DR WHO LIKE). Right, I've got to go, I'll see you tonight.

F/X: FLICK EXITS THROUGH THE DOOR.

COLIN: (sigh of relief) I thought she was going to see me then. Well tonight's the night then! Finally the information that I needed to nail her and Jack!

 

 

4.5.3

F/X: INT. DEFAULT SETTINGS OFFICE-3PM. JACK ENTERS.

JACK: So where are all the costumes then?

COLIN: There's only the (SOMETHING DR WHO LIKE THAT FLICKS PARTNER IS GOING AS) left.

JACK: You're joking! Where's Flick has she got hers?

COLIN: Yeah she went off somewhere straight after she got it.

JACK: Great I'm going to look like a prize eejit!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

4.5.4

 

F/X: INT. OFFICE FANCY DRESS PARTY-9PM.

 

COLIN: Ahh, there's the(DR WHO LIKE THING YET TO BE DECIDED). Right come on Colin let's go and show Jack up for what he really is!

F/X: WE FOLLOW COLIN IN HIS HEAVY METAL SUIT THROUGH THE PARTY. HE PINS (DR WHO LIKE THING YET TO BE DECIDED) AGAINST THE WALL

COLIN: AHA I've got you!

PARTYGOER: (Strong regional accent) Bog off pal!

COLIN: Oh sorry mate, I thought you were someone else. That's a bit weird. Hello, hang on a minute, there's another ((DR WHO LIKE THING YET TO BE DECIDED). I've got you this time Jack Flannigan!

F/X: COLIN MAKES HIS WAY ACROSS THE CROWDED ROOM AGAIN. HE PINS (DR WHO LIKE THING YET TO BE DECIDED) AGAINST THE WALL AND LIFTS HIS HEAD PIECE UP.

COLIN: Aha I've caught you red-handed Jack!

JACK: Oh yeah red handed, getting a drink! What the heck are you talking about?!

COLIN: I know you're game!

JACK: And what might that me?

COLIN: Don't play dumb with me!

JACK: I'm not playing!

COLIN: I know about the thing!

JACK: What thing?

COLIN: The thingey thing!

JACK: WHICH thingey thing?

COLIN: The THING!

JACK: Oh for pete's sake what ruddy thing?

COLIN: You scamming with Flick to ruin the company, you've been leaking information, that's why PDQ Locators were always at our locations before us, why what happened with the kidnap and why you have been ignoring me!

JACK: What are you talking about?

COLIN: Don't play innocent with me!

JACK: Will you stop that I'm not playing anything! I wasn't talking to you because you have been having it off with Liv!

COLIN: Having what off?

JACK: You know a bit of how's your father?

COLIN: What?

JACK: You know, slap and tickle, playing away from home!

COLIN: Oh no don't be stupid, she's the boss!

JACK: I overheard the other night when you two "stayed late". Quite a hero aren't you (mocks Olivia's voice) 'Oh it's amazing', 'Oh it's sooo big', bla,bla, bla.

COLIN: What are you talki….oh…nooo you idiot! I was showing her the ring that I proposed to my girlfriend with!

JACK: Ohhh, that makes more sense, why would she want you when she could have a piece of the Jackster!

COLIN: So if you weren't talking to Flick about stealing our info and wearing a bear costume. Who was? Oh no!

JACK: What?

COLIN: I took the head off another bear earlier thinking it was you and obviously it wasn't…it must be him!

JACK: You mean the bear that just left with Flick!

COLIN: Quick, get that(DR WHO LIKE THING YET TO BE DECIDED)! Which way did he go?

JACK: That way!

COLIN: Which way?

JACK: This way!

COLIN: What way?

JACK: Oh come on, just follow me!

F/X: WE HEAR COLIN STRUGGLING IN HIS SUIT.

JACK: Second thoughts let's get the lift you're not going to be able to do stairs in that stupid costume!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

4.5.5

GRAMS: BENNY HILL THEME TUNE.

F/X: EXT. OUTSIDE DEFAULT SETTINGS BUILDING.

JACK: (whistles for cab) Taxi!

COLIN: We're not in America Jack!

JACK: Maybe not, but here's a cab!

F/X: THEY GET IN THE CAB. COLIN AND JACK STRUGGLE, AS JACK TRIES TO PUSH COLIN/DALIK IN CAB.

JACK: Follow that cab!

CABBY: You are joking?!

COLIN: Just do it please!

F/X: CAB STALLS.

JACK: Some cab chase this is going to be!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

4.5.6

F/X: INT. HOTEL LOBBY.

COLIN: Are you sure the taxi stopped outside here?

JACK: Positive, they must be here somewhere, not exactly hard to miss a milkmaid and a bear walking around together!

COLIN: Look there they are. Quick start recording Jack! Flick time's up, we know what you've been up to!

FLICK: (innocently) Who me?

JACK: Don't flutter those eyelashes at us, we know you're not Little Miss Innocent!

FLICK: Oh fine, you know big deal, try proving it to Olivia, she loves me!

JACK: She'll hear it for her self, I've got it all on tape! Whoaa where are you off to bear boy?

BEAR: Try and stop me!

JACK: What you gonna do run away, good luck in that heavy bear suit! Hand it over, or would you rather that the boys in blue get involved?

BEAR: Fine have it!

JACK: Thank you, bad luck guys but you were never gonna fool the unstoppable Jack and Col duo!

4.5.7

 

F/X: INT. DEFAULT SETTINGS OFFICE. THE FOLLOWING MORNING.

 

OLIVIA: Morning everyone! As you are aware a lot has unravelled in the past twenty-four hours. I have just got off the phone from sacking Flick effective immediately. I just want to thank Colin and Jack for their quick thinking and teamwork that caught Flick and stopped her doing any more harm to Default Settings, and for saving the Carry On project.

 

F/X: LITTLE CHEERS FROM THE COLLEAGUES.

 

I also want to congratulate Colin on his engagement. As this is doubly occasion I thought some champagne was in order. To Jack, Colin and Default!

 

F/X: GENERAL 'TO DEFAULTS', CHEERS AND CLINKS OF GLASSES.